The Stories of DTS

I'm a Political Agnostic

I have never pledged allegiance to a political party, but had Republican leanings as a younger man.  I favored small government, fiscal responsibility, free markets....   I still do favor those party traits, but Republicans don't offer them anymore.  Now, it's all about morality and whathaveyou.  That's not for me.  A few years ago I recognized the shift in the GOP and denounced any leanings I once had (it was great, there were effigies, candles, chants, a clown, and, of course, cookies and punch).  James Chaney only recently cut ties, but captures my feelings well in this column. 

Which leads me to my friend at Awesome-o-meter.  His site is a virtual clearinghouse for the budding counter-administration movement.  He goes beyond mere Bush-bashing by assembling facts that do much of the talking for him, but he isn't hesitant about throwing in his two cents.  He pulls no punches and writes with a real sense of urgency.  The site is a must for the politically inclined.

Finally, Larry David chimes in with an incredible post at Huffington's site.  Larry David is my President. 

Abduction Photography, Ltd.

I have a great idea for a cutting edge business.  This business will revolutionize how people see themselves, their loved ones, and their futures in this dangerous world.  Abduction Photography, Ltd., the first photo studio of its kind, will be an invaluable service to everyone who has ever loved another.  I have run the idea through focus groups and it's been met with unbridled enthusiasm.  I have investors lined up around the block. 

The idea is simple.  Ever notice when someone, usually a woman or child, is abducted, her photograph is plastered all over the media outlets?  When the Georgia runaway bride ran away, that ample-eyed woman's grainy photo was on CNN for three days straight.  That photograph didn't do her justice and made her rescue unlikely.  For her sake, she was lucky she was faking the whole damn thing.  When someone goes missing, that person deserves to have the best photograph possible -- something that captures the qualities that make people want to drop what they're doing and find her.  That's where I come in.  And, seriously, the idea is foolproof because it responds to society's complicated demands. 

For example, are you scared?

The Princess Bride, by William Goldman

  The Princess Bride is my wife’s favorite movie.  It’s always been one of my favorites too.  After all, it’s a tale of high adventure.  Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles.  As Fred Savage said, “It doesn’t sound too bad.”  Ah, what a freakin’ great movie.  So, after all these years, I finally sat down with the book.  Ah, what a freakin’ great book.  It’s not a book you compare to the movie; instead, it’s more like a perfect companion for the film.

AFI anointed its top 100 movie quotes the other day.  Among those nominated was Inigo’s famous line:  “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoyo.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die.”  Given the nature of the quotes up for consideration, those having infiltrated popular culture, I was surprised there was only one nominated from The Princess Bride.  “Have fun storming the castle,” “As you wish,” “Anybody want a peanut?” are also fairly popular.  Alas, not a single one made the list.  Shows you what I know. 

Now, on to the book.

The Pitch's Big Scoop

The Pitch, not known as a hard-hitting news source, may have uncovered the story of the, well, a, century.  Normally only good for telling horny 20-somethings where to get their groove on and for providing the hook-up for fetish-laden suburban moms, The Pitch today busted open a story that may blow the lid off Sprint Arena.  It harkens back to the ol' blue/gray days of Kansas City with implications impacting the here and now.  Most importantly, it carries with it a message that everyone should write down at once and promise themselves and everyone they love that they'll never forget:  Don't vex the whores of Kansas.  Words to live by.

Rebel Hell!!

UPDATE:  The KC Star ran an article today about the Pitch's grand hoax.  Apparently some people bought into it and were offended.  These people likely ran to the library to check out Rebel Rebel, Your Face is a Mess: Hygiene in the Armies of the West, 1861-65.  While I agree the piece had a ring of truth, the silly facets were enough to make it a fair hoax in my book.  All in good fun.

My Blockbuster Queue

It's been a month since I last discussed the movies I've watched thanks to my Blockbuster.com membership.  Over the last 30 days or so, I've rented and seen six movies, keeping my "more than four a month" goal intact.  This was a great month for movies and I'm finding it difficult to rank them.  At least three were better than anything I ranked last month, save Arrested Development, but again, that shouldn't count.  Oh well, I only make rules so that I may break them.  I will again rank them worst to first:

6.  The Tigger Movie -- not much here for the adult in me.  My son liked it okay, but not like he likes Nemo or Shrek or Dora the Explorer.

How Unfortunate

I'm a big Jim Carrey fan so when Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events was released last year I really wanted to see it.  However, I subsequently read that the movie is based on a book and I got it in my mind that I couldn't see the movie until after I read the book (of which I'd never heard before).  I bought the first three of the "Series of Unfortunate Events" and decided this weekend that I'd read the first one.  The books are short, written for kids, and are the kind of low commitment reading upon which I thrive. 

The first one is called "The Bad Beginning."  It came in a nice package with books two and three of the series -- slim hardback, classic spine, rough cut pages.  Very nice.  What wasn't very nice and was in fact very bad and very unfortunate, is that when I got to page 56, the book started over again at page one, and went through page 24, before getting to page 87.  Pages 57 to 86 were not included in my copy.  Makes it hard to read.  I bought them last December from Amazon, so returning it isn't really an option.  I've read thousands of books and this is the first time I've come across this. 

Fortunately, my nine year old neighbor has all the books and today let me borrow his copy of "The Bad Beginning."  I swapped him an agate shooter and my '85 Buddy Biancalana for it.  He's a shrewd little negotiator.  Anyway, I'm looking forward to pages 57 to 86.

Please, Call Me Sal; a short story

This story, my take on my beloved pulp detective genre, was originally published in Stick Your Neck Out.  Word count ~ 1100.  Estimated reading time ~ 5 minutes.

                                Please, Call Me Sal

"So it was all just a lie?" I asked, as I leaned back in the tattered wood chair, a lit cigar dangling from my mouth.  The room was dark.  Always dark.  Twenty five years of smoke hung in my office, like the smog that suffocated my City of Angels.  The world-famous Hollywood sign, a shameless beacon for all no-talent dreamers, was now barely visible across the polluted landscape from my streaked windows.  This town was going to Hell and I was just along for the ride.  I propped my tired dogs on the worn desk and took in the beauty that sat across from me. This dame who spoke of lies.

"Yes.  A lie . . . and I just can't go on."  She was a real beauty, 36-24-36, well, maybe a little thicker in the middle, give her a 26 there, and while I'm at it, probably a little smaller up top.  But, you get the picture.  This was a fine damsel in distress.  A dismayed looker who needed me.  I would not let her down.

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You...

I love to check out the script sales on Done Deal.  Probably 95% of the sales listed never make it to the big screen, but it's a cool way to see what's brewing in Hollywood.  The big lesson to be learned is that Hollywood has, for the most part, run out of ideas.  An alarming percentage of the sales are sequels or remakes.  Even bad movies are remade.  It's crazy.  However, every once in a while I come across a sale that makes me sit up and take notice.  For example:

Title:  The Second Coming
Log Line: An archaeological dig uncovers the bloody crown of thorns worn by Jesus Christ in his final hours. Secretly, religious leaders break with dogma to clone a new savior. When their plan comes into doubt, the new Messiah must run for his life. Hiding amongst the homeless, he inadvertently finds a new flock, and the world comes face to face with a new destiny.
Writer: Joseph Calabrese
Agent: Mngmnt. firm GoGo Films
Buyer: Willfilm Productions, Inc.
Price: n/a
Genre: Drama
Logged: 5/18/05
More: Willfilm Productions, Inc. will produce. The script was a Slamdance SlamFi (Science Fiction Screenwriting) Award winner.

As outrageous as the plot seems, I can see it becoming a huge hit.  The idea of Christian leaders being unable to control themselves and cloning a new Jesus is both hilarious and believable.  For the clergy, they think "Hell, we don't want to miss the second coming.  Let's help the process along!"  The movie should be called The Temptation of Christ: He's Back!!

I really hope it gets made. 

Baseball Notes: Mulder and Haren Revisited

Five weeks ago I took a look at Mark Mulder and Danny Haren's numbers through their first six starts.  To review, the comparison is relevant because Mulder was traded for Haren, among others, and at the time of the trade I believed the A's got the better of the Cardinals because Mulder and Haren were not that different.  Through six starts Mulder had a vastly superior ERA, but their peripheral statistics were similar.  Now, each has another seven starts in the books.  Here are their numbers:

Mulder:  4.30 ERA, 13 GS, 83.2 IP, 89 H, 7 HR, 25 BB, 50 K.
Haren:  4.28 ERA, 13 GS, 80 IP, 77 H, 8 HR, 29 BB, 59 K.

They're practically interchangable.  While Walt Jocketty gets a ton of slack from me, I believe it is hard to defend this trade.  Mulder is the name pitcher the pundits claimed the Cardinals needed (which is ridiculous), but having not made the trade would have left the Cards in a similar position.  In addition, the Cards traded Kiko Calero, a useful set-up man, and Daric Barton, a very exciting catching prospect. 

As I stated on May 5, the jury is still out.  Mulder hasn't been bad and he's been durable.  Throwing 200 innings is always a valuable commodity -- but not for one you generally trade inexpensive high quality talent.  If Mulder reverts to his halcion days of '01 to '03, then the Cards could still come out ahead.

Fans of lesser teams probably read this and think I'm a spoiled brat, what being a fan of the 105 win Cardinals (on pace to win 104 this year).  Well, I guess, maybe I am.

Award Shows

I can't stand award shows.  I'm surprised that so very many people can sit through the Oscars or any of the seemingly countless other televised congratulatory-type programs.  The Oscars is the worst.  The movie industry puts on a lavish television bonanza to celebrate the movie industry.  I mean, masturbatory hijinks of this ilk are not something I can stomach.  Plus, there are shows about the show.  On E! and VH1 they've got analysts lined up along the red carpet just for a peek at Tom Cruise and his Girl du Jour.  I really don't find that the least bit interesting.  Also, the clothes they wear!  Look, there's probably a good reason no other woman has ever worn that kind of dress -- it's hideous.  And, if a beautiful woman like Scarlett Johannson can be made to look like Ivan Drago's girlfriend all in the name of the Oscars, then it's a television franchise that simply should not exist.

Today I watched MTV's Movie Awards.  Again.  I'm not sure what makes it not only watchable but damn entertaining.  Seriously, Chris Rock is about 64 times funnier than Jimmy Fallon, but MTV's award show is still much better.  The award categories are cooler -- Best Villain, for example.  The live performances are awesome.  I liked Mariah Carey's performance even though I don't generally like Mariah Carey.  Jessica Alba was utilized, and that's always a great thing.  It's just a lot more fun.  I think the "Academy" (such a stuffy name) takes itself way too seriously while MTV is all about showing me a good time.  And, because it's MTV, it will be on at least 100 more times this month so it's easy to catch.  I like that too.

I also learned that Napoleon Dynamite has straight hair.  Gosh!