The Stories of DTS

More Judd Apatow

Apatow's Tuesday entry in his Slate diary contained a paragraph that I could have written based on an experience I had with young Sebastian:

Then I went to the mall with my almost-3-year-old daughter, Iris, who had such a knipshit (as we used to say)—a total meltdown—that I thought I was going to get arrested by cops who thought that I had kidnapped her. All I did was tell her that we already owned Shrek when she asked if we could buy it. Sometimes that is all it takes. She sat down in the video store and screamed at me, "Get out of the store!" about 50 times. I hid in the store. I thought that if she couldn't see me, she might calm down, or miss me and relax. Then she saw me hiding behind a post and screamed, "Get out of here. Go in the parking lot!!!" I had no choice but to pick up my screaming, Emily Rose-behaving child and carry her through the enormous mall to the car. Since I had to push the stroller, she was held with one arm as she screamed and spit and blew snot on me. One woman saw this and said, "She's 2, right?" And then she smiled, happy not to have a 2-year-old any longer.

Exactly, except the movie was Tarzan II (which isn't very good anyway), and Seb kept screaming "Go away!" and "Get out of here!"  It's always good to read other parents' experiences with an uncontrollable two-year-old.     

TV and the Boy

First, the overnight ratings for Arrested Development were even worse than for the season premier.  Hopefully, Fox will let it finish out the season (or it will somehow become popular).  When a network is finishing 5th though (even behind WB), the outlook is not muy bueno.

Second, many important baseball games on Extra Innings tonight.  At about 8:30 I was flipping between the Yankees, Red Sox, Indians, White Sox, and Cardinals, when I told my 2.5 year old son it was time for bed.  He protested, like always, but this time he said "no, I want to watch baseball!  Please.  Can I?  Can I?"  It was his best move to date, but given that he won't actually watch baseball, I saw through this latest stall tactic.  Instead, we read some books, he went to bed, and I watched baseball.

Diary of Apatow

Judd Apatow (Freaks & Geeks, Undeclared, 40 Year Old Virgin) is posting a diary on Slate all week.  It's an interesting read and he writes about the purple dinosaur that kids adore.  Like Apatow, I used to hate Barney but now kind of like him.  Well, maybe I don't like him so much as I find him harmless, can understand his attraction to very small children, and have no idea why I hated him in the first place.  He also speaks briefly of his love for Curb Your Enthusiasm, which happily began its fifth season last night and showed no signs of losing its touch.

One quick note re tonight's Arrested Development: the Brad Garrett joke made me laugh for several minutes.  Michael commented on how believable his father's (played by Jeffrey Tambor) lies were, saying "you're a real Brad Garrett."  Garrett, of course, beat Tambor out for the Emmy. 

Arrested Development Update

The bad news:  Barry Zuckerkorn, played by Henry Winkler, is being written off the show as Winkler is starring in his own sitcom and apparently doesn't have time to represent the Bluths anymore.  He's a great character and will be missed.

The good news:  In brilliant Arrested Development fashion, he is being replaced by Scott Baio. 

Starting tomorrow night, Charlize Theron will guest star.  The season's off to a great start (contrary to what Mr. Nielsen says), so be sure to tune in. 

Making Good Time

When I drive across the state of Missouri I fixate on speed and miles.  I constantly calculate how many miles per hour I'm averaging and then try to beat it the next fifteen minutes.  I'm not a reckless driver or anything; I generally drive as fast as traffic will carry me.  Today on our trip from St. Louis to Kansas City I averaged 69.95 miles per hour (246 miles in 3:31).  That's door to door and includes the city streets filled with traffic signals and whatnot.  That, my friend, is making good time.

This is, hopefully, one of the very few ways I'm like Costanza.

Brownie, we need action!

So, this is why the feds failed to react quickly.

Happy Birthday Elena!

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Elena
Happy birthday to you.

I can't believe she's already one.  The year has just flown by.  So, what tricks does she know?  She crawls, pulls up, and cruises the furniture.  She can stand on her own for several seconds at a time.  She can chase the cats.  She claps and laughs a lot.  She can battle her brother for toys.  She can and will eat anything.  She says "mmmmm" and makes popping sounds.  She's nearly impossible to change as she twists to escape my clutches, laughing all the while.  She loves to swim.  She's a big Baby Einstein fan.  She gets frustrated when she falls on her butt or can't get her sippy cup to work.  Basically, she's great.  I just can't believe she's already one.

Tonight on Fox

I just watched Arrested Development and Kitchen Confidential and thought I'd share some thoughts. 

First, I'm so happy Arrested Development is back.  The world would be a dark hostile place without it.  Tonight's episode was chock full of goodness -- more Blue Man Group, more Kitty's breast exposure, the Maeby/George Michael awkwardness, all things Barry Zuckerkorn, GOB's insecurities, Steve Holt!, Lucille I's battle with her children, Oscar/George confusion, Michael's attempts to be a good dad, GOB's attempts to be a good son to his son....   I could go on forever. 

"I met him at that park where the kid found the severed arm." 

And, tonight's episode was directed by Paul Feig, co-creator and writer of Freaks & Geeks, a classic show that lasted something like ten episodes.

Speaking of Freaks & Geeks, little tiny Sam Weir played one of the chefs in Kitchen Confidential.  He's like 6 feet tall now, which seems impossible to me.  Kids these days...they grow up so fast!  The show has some potential with a charismatic lead actor and a revolving ensemble group around him, but I only watched it so Fox might think Arrested Development was a strong lead-in and would go ahead and renew it for another year.  I should check to see if it worked....  No, no new contract yet.

Finally, Fox is hyping the hell out of Prison Break.  I saw the first two episodes and thought it was really bad.  In fact, I only saw the first 1.75 episodes because I couldn't force myself to watch through the last commercial break.  Anyway, I love the premise and had high hopes -- someone tell me it's not that bad and I should give it another chance. 

Mulder and Haren

Here we are revisiting the Mark Mulder v. Dan Haren competition I created.  The coveted DTS Cup is at stake and it looks like Mulder has put himself in position to take it home.  I'm sure he's very proud.

First, the normal comparison:

Mulder:  3.43 ERA, 30 GS, 199 IP, 203 H, 17 HR, 62 BB, 105 K;
Haren:  3.86 ERA, 32 GS, 203 IP, 201 H, 24 HR, 55 BB, 153 K.

Mulder's ERA is good for 17th best in the majors while Haren's is 43rd.  Mulder has lasted longer per start, but Haren's been a horse too, not missing any starts.  Neither team can complain about the performances of these two guys.

I Pledge Allegiance

Today Judge Lawrence Karlton ruled that requiring schoolchildren to recite the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional.  He cited the 2002 9th Circuit decision as precedent (as you may recall, the Supreme Court kicked the case out without addressing the merits).  So, here we go again.  The 9th Circuit will likely affirm Karlton's ruling and the Supremes will get another crack at it.  The issue with the pledge, of course, is two words amounting to just eight letters -- "under God."  These two words have everyone worked up.  Except me.

Sure, I see how affirming a loyalty to a nation "under God" could raise some red flags.  In fact, it sure stinks of forcing children to acknowledge the Christian God, which could be interpreted as a real church and state collision.  However, my problem is with the oath itself.